HOPE · STORIES
Bull Shark Testosterone
A PharmaMarkeTronEtics advertisement promises the next great leap in personal performance, corporate ambition, and consumer perfection.
SOLICIT! SOLICIT!
DO YOU FEEL TIRED? WEAK? ANNOYED? NONE OF THE ABOVE? READ ON!
In ancient pre-consumer times, long before the establishment of our modern Corporate Utopia, there lived a legendary creature known to our ancestors as the “Bull Shark.” Remaining physically unchanged for dozens of hundreds of millions of years, this all-male species of slick, leathery sea-reptile was the apex life-form of the marine environment, superior to every other brand of shark, as well as to every other ocean-thing that was not a shark. Sporting three rows of vibrating teeth, six sets of sharp, rugged gills, and genitalia thrice the length of its own body, the Bull Shark was the undisputed Corpo-King of the underwater Life:Business:Death cycle.
And, as is the contractual right of a Corpo-King, the Bull Shark was known to engage in a mating behavior that our biomarketologists have taken to calling ‘Prima Sharcta.’ See, because of the Bull Shark’s advanced organiconomic status and compelling Hi-Ranked™ physiology, the Bull Shark got first crack at every newlywed shark-groom’s shark-wife!
Yes, that’s correct! Whenever Breeding Season came around and all the sharks of the sea began to enter into appropriately-heterosexual Legalized Bonding Cycles, each new matrimonium waited patiently for the noble Bull Shark to come around and consummate their union! This act almost always resulted in children, provided the mother survived. It didn’t matter what the Bull Shark slept with; fortunately, his prime-grade seed was compatible with every species that sated his urges! Its superior high-yield genetics were so potent that the resultant pupae were 99.987% Bull Shark, nearly as pure as the real thing! The litters were dozens-strong, so large that the act of birthing them usually killed the mother, but it’s okay – she was happy to die for her kids, as a good mom ought to be!
The Bull Shark was so successful in his natural vocation that he was, eventually, the only shark left in the ocean. The world had changed, and there were no more wives to conquer. Unable to propagate new generations of aquatic business-lords, the great Bull Shark decided to exit the market on his own terms: on one fateful day, eons ago, the remainder of his magnificent species descended into a glorious, fraternalistic orgy that turned the seas of our forgotten homeworld red with transcendent, reptilian pleasure.
Nowadays the Bull Shark is but a distant memory, his unyielding domination of the ocean economy long forgotten by organisms that are more complex, more intelligent… But perhaps less perfect.
Less perfect, that is, until today.
The absolute best and brightest of our company’s chemical cocktail shakers have reached into the past, as though through a window [{like those sold by Harlow’s Emporium of Unbreakable Breakables, located on Route 30|68!}], and brought the Bull Shark’s testicular ambrosia forth into the Glorious Now. That’s right folks, for the first time in human history the pure, uncut TesTosTerone™ of the legendary Bull Shark has been ReKonstrucTEd™, rendered into a *^bio-available*^ format, and prepared for open sale on the Human Market.
And thus, a New Era dawns.
We here at PharmaMarkeTronEtics are proud to present you with the unstoppable force that is. . .
|||||--------- BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K ---------|||||
The King is Dead || Long live the Graceful, Masculine you || the Better you. The positive effects of BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K on the human-like body are as innumerable as they are immeasurable.
Available exclusively through the **PharmaMarkeTronEtics** HumanazoN Web-Shop Hyper-Interface, BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K has been clinically pre-proven to do the following:
RAISE your sperm count by AT LEAST 1.2E6 parts per MILLION
THICKEN your skin by TWO WHOLE centimeters
HARDEN the same by THREE WHOLE Mohs points
REVERSE estrogen production PERMANENTLY
Accelerate ALL biological HYPERTROPHIES
Progenerate NEW MUSCLE groups
HORSESHOE-CURVE the ^^progression^^ of MALE pattern baldness
Increase your LIBIDO to levels THOUGHT IMPOSSIBLE in the METANTHROPOCENE EPOCH
GESTATE WITHIN you a CRAVING for MEAT
Don’t believe it? Just look at these unscripted CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS:
“Within one month of starting BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K, compliance rates on my block have increased by a combination of percentages! The trainees have become more timid, swifter to obey, and some of them won’t even look at me anymore! It’s great, I’ve really hit a flow-state, and I can tell that Corporate finally appreciates me. I really feel centered, energetic, like a white-hot ball of lightning that’s looking, itching, yearning for somewhere to land. And thanks to my new, more masculine skin, I can’t even feel it when the kids hit me! Sure can’t say the same for them, though~!”
--Glendo, age 49, Bureau of Youth Resources Child Safety Officer
“Every day, customers try to make small talk with me. Every day I oblige, my burned-in habits and fraying sense of duty compulsively dragging me over an endless field of burning salt and sharp, hateful fragments of broken conversation. Every day, I dread this. Every day, I am compelled. Every day, I am filled with regret. No longer. I first learned of BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K when the neon advertisement was installed across from my checkstand. It glared at me for weeks, the neon logo slowly burning itself into my retinae, following me into my dreams. After a particularly cruel day at work, one that very nearly drove me into the tender embrace of the Combination Homicide // Suicide Shop, I broke down and purchased BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K. The next morning, I silenced the first customer who attempted to speak to me, driving his fifty-rack of ReaniBeer™ straight through that awful, jaggling mouth. He was my best customer. The rest of his head still adorns my checkstand. Now, no one talks to me. No one makes eye contact with me. My employer does not acknowledge my presence. I am finally happy.”
--Frankie, 35, Spend ‘N Go Cashier
“I’m lonely. So lonely. Always terribly lonely. But I don’t care about that anymore. I don’t have to care about that anymore, because I have BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K. Now it doesn’t matter. Now the women love me, but I don’t need them. I don’t need any human companionship. My seed flows as the endless tides, and I will repopulate a thousand thousand barren worlds before my heart finally gives out from exhaustion. I am eternal, and my eyes are the screaming sun. I am being evicted from my apartment. The noise is too much. I have forgotten what I used to do for work. No matter. BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K will guide me to my fated destiny.”
--Diocrates, [??], Homeless Masturbator
Are you still somehow uncertain as to whether BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K is right for you? Ask yourself the following questions:
Am I still in my prime?
Am I as buff as I want to be?
Am I stronger than him?
How many compatible breeding partners have I slept with recently?
Am I keeping up with my tri-monthly seed donations?
Am I going to get that promotion?
Am I contractually-bound to an appropriately-heterosexual partner?
Does my wife love me?
Do my children respect me?
Does my boss? My co-employees?
Does anybody?
Do I?
YOUR ANSWERS DON’T MATTER. BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K HAS ALL THE ‘YES’ YOU NEED.
GET STARTED TODAY AND RECLAIM THE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT.
***Pre-Order YOUR SUBSCRIPTION To-Day To receive a FREE Limited-Run Foil Brochure!!***
*Per |Chapter 376 “On the Nature of Employable Life”| [Sub-Section 27.6] (Addendum 23|8) {Paragraph 497} of the Company Charter
^Per the results of Mandatory Arbitration 633-596.56 HOPE v. People of Yakitori Prime, People of Yakitori Theta v. ChemiKhan TransGalactic, PLLC
**Subsidiary of Azamon. Spend Money, Escape the Pit – That’s the Azamon Guarantee.
^^Neither PharmaMarkeTronEtics, Azamon, nor any undisclosed contractors or subsidiaries are responsible for neural and // or cerebral damage and distress caused by ingrown hairs.
***Mans only – Terms & Conditions™ may apply. Visit your nearest CliniclAIm Booth for an ~Affordable~ Gender Confirmation procedure.
~“Affordable” is subject to interpretation based on varying sensibilities as to the ontologically-relative position of the *Galactic Core™*, in accordance with the results of Mandatory Arbitration 452-231.25 HOPE v. Tun Razak Economic Zone Preparatory School v. BloodFist Comics Group, HateMonger Corporation v. Bureau of Youth Resources
*”Galactic Core” as defined in HOPE, HOPE Bureau of Trademarks and Copyrights v. Selven Core, Helibor Core v. *HOPE Company Charter* |Chapter 243 “The Standards, Practices, and Uncertain Ornithologies of Relative Terminologies”| [Sub-Section 21.6] (Addendum 29|0)
*Premium Edition
SOLICIT! SOLICIT!
DO YOU FEEL TIRED? WEAK? ANNOYED? NONE OF THE ABOVE? READ ON!
In ancient pre-consumer times, long before the establishment of our modern Corporate Utopia, there lived a legendary creature known to our ancestors as the “Bull Shark.” Remaining physically unchanged for dozens of hundreds of millions of years, this all-male species of slick, leathery sea-reptile was the apex life-form of the marine environment, superior to every other brand of shark, as well as to every other ocean-thing that was not a shark. Sporting three rows of vibrating teeth, six sets of sharp, rugged gills, and genitalia thrice the length of its own body, the Bull Shark was the undisputed Corpo-King of the underwater Life:Business:Death cycle.
And, as is the contractual right of a Corpo-King, the Bull Shark was known to engage in a mating behavior that our biomarketologists have taken to calling ‘Prima Sharcta.’ See, because of the Bull Shark’s advanced organiconomic status and compelling Hi-Ranked™ physiology, the Bull Shark got first crack at every newlywed shark-groom’s shark-wife!
Yes, that’s correct! Whenever Breeding Season came around and all the sharks of the sea began to enter into appropriately-heterosexual Legalized Bonding Cycles, each new matrimonium waited patiently for the noble Bull Shark to come around and consummate their union! This act almost always resulted in children, provided the mother survived. It didn’t matter what the Bull Shark slept with; fortunately, his prime-grade seed was compatible with every species that sated his urges! Its superior high-yield genetics were so potent that the resultant pupae were 99.987% Bull Shark, nearly as pure as the real thing! The litters were dozens-strong, so large that the act of birthing them usually killed the mother, but it’s okay – she was happy to die for her kids, as a good mom ought to be!
The Bull Shark was so successful in his natural vocation that he was, eventually, the only shark left in the ocean. The world had changed, and there were no more wives to conquer. Unable to propagate new generations of aquatic business-lords, the great Bull Shark decided to exit the market on his own terms: on one fateful day, eons ago, the remainder of his magnificent species descended into a glorious, fraternalistic orgy that turned the seas of our forgotten homeworld red with transcendent, reptilian pleasure.
Nowadays the Bull Shark is but a distant memory, his unyielding domination of the ocean economy long forgotten by organisms that are more complex, more intelligent… But perhaps less perfect.
Less perfect, that is, until today.
The absolute best and brightest of our company’s chemical cocktail shakers have reached into the past, as though through a window [{like those sold by Harlow’s Emporium of Unbreakable Breakables, located on Route 30|68!}], and brought the Bull Shark’s testicular ambrosia forth into the Glorious Now. That’s right folks, for the first time in human history the pure, uncut TesTosTerone™ of the legendary Bull Shark has been ReKonstrucTEd™, rendered into a *^bio-available*^ format, and prepared for open sale on the Human Market.
And thus, a New Era dawns.
We here at PharmaMarkeTronEtics are proud to present you with the unstoppable force that is. . .
|||||--------- BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K ---------|||||
The King is Dead || Long live the Graceful, Masculine you || the Better you. The positive effects of BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K on the human-like body are as innumerable as they are immeasurable.
Available exclusively through the **PharmaMarkeTronEtics** HumanazoN Web-Shop Hyper-Interface, BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K has been clinically pre-proven to do the following:
RAISE your sperm count by AT LEAST 1.2E6 parts per MILLION
THICKEN your skin by TWO WHOLE centimeters
HARDEN the same by THREE WHOLE Mohs points
REVERSE estrogen production PERMANENTLY
Accelerate ALL biological HYPERTROPHIES
Progenerate NEW MUSCLE groups
HORSESHOE-CURVE the ^^progression^^ of MALE pattern baldness
Increase your LIBIDO to levels THOUGHT IMPOSSIBLE in the METANTHROPOCENE EPOCH
GESTATE WITHIN you a CRAVING for MEAT
Don’t believe it? Just look at these unscripted CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS:
“Within one month of starting BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K, compliance rates on my block have increased by a combination of percentages! The trainees have become more timid, swifter to obey, and some of them won’t even look at me anymore! It’s great, I’ve really hit a flow-state, and I can tell that Corporate finally appreciates me. I really feel centered, energetic, like a white-hot ball of lightning that’s looking, itching, yearning for somewhere to land. And thanks to my new, more masculine skin, I can’t even feel it when the kids hit me! Sure can’t say the same for them, though~!”
--Glendo, age 49, Bureau of Youth Resources Child Safety Officer
“Every day, customers try to make small talk with me. Every day I oblige, my burned-in habits and fraying sense of duty compulsively dragging me over an endless field of burning salt and sharp, hateful fragments of broken conversation. Every day, I dread this. Every day, I am compelled. Every day, I am filled with regret. No longer. I first learned of BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K when the neon advertisement was installed across from my checkstand. It glared at me for weeks, the neon logo slowly burning itself into my retinae, following me into my dreams. After a particularly cruel day at work, one that very nearly drove me into the tender embrace of the Combination Homicide // Suicide Shop, I broke down and purchased BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K. The next morning, I silenced the first customer who attempted to speak to me, driving his fifty-rack of ReaniBeer™ straight through that awful, jaggling mouth. He was my best customer. The rest of his head still adorns my checkstand. Now, no one talks to me. No one makes eye contact with me. My employer does not acknowledge my presence. I am finally happy.”
--Frankie, 35, Spend ‘N Go Cashier
“I’m lonely. So lonely. Always terribly lonely. But I don’t care about that anymore. I don’t have to care about that anymore, because I have BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K. Now it doesn’t matter. Now the women love me, but I don’t need them. I don’t need any human companionship. My seed flows as the endless tides, and I will repopulate a thousand thousand barren worlds before my heart finally gives out from exhaustion. I am eternal, and my eyes are the screaming sun. I am being evicted from my apartment. The noise is too much. I have forgotten what I used to do for work. No matter. BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K will guide me to my fated destiny.”
--Diocrates, [??], Homeless Masturbator
Are you still somehow uncertain as to whether BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K is right for you? Ask yourself the following questions:
Am I still in my prime?
Am I as buff as I want to be?
Am I stronger than him?
How many compatible breeding partners have I slept with recently?
Am I keeping up with my tri-monthly seed donations?
Am I going to get that promotion?
Am I contractually-bound to an appropriately-heterosexual partner?
Does my wife love me?
Do my children respect me?
Does my boss? My co-employees?
Does anybody?
Do I?
YOUR ANSWERS DON’T MATTER. BULL SHARK TRIPLE-X-L HYBORIA SUPREME 9K HAS ALL THE ‘YES’ YOU NEED.
GET STARTED TODAY AND RECLAIM THE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT.
***Pre-Order YOUR SUBSCRIPTION To-Day To receive a FREE Limited-Run Foil Brochure!!***
*Per |Chapter 376 “On the Nature of Employable Life”| [Sub-Section 27.6] (Addendum 23|8) {Paragraph 497} of the Company Charter
^Per the results of Mandatory Arbitration 633-596.56 HOPE v. People of Yakitori Prime, People of Yakitori Theta v. ChemiKhan TransGalactic, PLLC
**Subsidiary of Azamon. Spend Money, Escape the Pit – That’s the Azamon Guarantee.
^^Neither PharmaMarkeTronEtics, Azamon, nor any undisclosed contractors or subsidiaries are responsible for neural and // or cerebral damage and distress caused by ingrown hairs.
***Mans only – Terms & Conditions™ may apply. Visit your nearest CliniclAIm Booth for an ~Affordable~ Gender Confirmation procedure.
~“Affordable” is subject to interpretation based on varying sensibilities as to the ontologically-relative position of the *Galactic Core™*, in accordance with the results of Mandatory Arbitration 452-231.25 HOPE v. Tun Razak Economic Zone Preparatory School v. BloodFist Comics Group, HateMonger Corporation v. Bureau of Youth Resources
*”Galactic Core” as defined in HOPE, HOPE Bureau of Trademarks and Copyrights v. Selven Core, Helibor Core v. *HOPE Company Charter* |Chapter 243 “The Standards, Practices, and Uncertain Ornithologies of Relative Terminologies”| [Sub-Section 21.6] (Addendum 29|0)
*Premium Edition